my mother is an ass

i have never been so hurt by what i used to call friends. if you have ever hung out with me, you would know my friends, im usually with them or have something positive to say about them... i meen up until now they have been there for me, in most cases... and i have been there for them too, whether they know it or not, i care deeply about them, i care so much that i honestly can say id take a bullet for them. i love them. and until now there were cracks... but we have always been able to repair them.. but now... this time, i guess i have chosen not to bring out the glue that has always heald us together..this time i crack that formed.. has erupted into a cannon that can never quite heal despite what ever effort may be put forth in the future. i am hurt deeply at the loss of what i will always consider to be four close friends. if you dont understand the situation that im comming from, then one word to describe it would betrail.. or maybe in two.. left out. i know.. more teenage girl dramma. but this one struck too close to home, my heart, and i feel i will never be able to be the same around them.
the story: on a friday night last few weeks even days of summer, i had called my friends that i hadnt gotten to see much this summmer.. i left messages, i called to talk, everything. i never got a phone call back but thats okay we all had bussy summers right? sorta. i guess theirs wasnt busy enough to plan a girls night out... my closest friends, with out me. it was big too, not just a movie and popcorn at rachels house or whatever.. it was dressed up, out to dinner and a fancy place and then party afterwards. cool what ever, i shouldnt really be surprised i guess... because this is the second one this year that i was left out of on purpose. i forgave and forgot the first time saying i was hurt but i glued the cracks and we were fine. but this time... im not so easy to forget you could say. it hurts. when your best friends since grade school turn like that and deliberatly leave you out. when i confronted them about it, one girl, some one i thought i was pretty close to... i had known her since we were in fourth grade and she lives in the neiborhood, lied to me straight out, saying she had been gone and didnt know about it till the few hours before... and i dont doubt she was gone. i know thats true... but im sure she knew long before that there may have been somthing. if not then why wouldnt you say somthing...i had always thought she had my back. i know i have always had hers wether she knows that or not. im there for my friends and i would never do anyhting to hurt them. anyway. then my best frined, or so i thought, i have known the girl since i was two, we shared so much growing up, vacations.. partys... even sickness. i almost considered her a sister. i would seriously die for her if that was what it came down to. but i guess she didnt feeel the same, because she was the one who started the whole girls night out idea... the biggest brain umong the scheem. thanks love ya girl... gr. anyway she too lied about the whole situation saying she didnt have time to call me, yet she had time to plan the whole thing and invite the other friend at last minute right?.. she also claimed that i didnt like the one girl and so that was why they didnt invite me. the truth.. yes somtimes i dont get along the best with her, but we have never had a fight, nor ever really hung out much.. not alone really. in truth i would probably die for her too... from what i know about her, she has always been kind to me, always made me laugh and acted like a real friend. anyway.. her story im not sure on, but its still hurtful to know i wasnt invited and not one of the girls can tell the fing truth about it.. everyone has their story so the blame cant be pined on them nor can the feel guilty of what occured. but honestly guys... thats it, im saying goodbye to all the drama.. all the lies... all the fake friendships and talking behind one anothers backs. thats why im not pulling out the glue to repair what has happened. why honestly tell me why would i want to stick around only to feel this hurt every time. i dont, im sick of it.. and yes i know about all the bitching about me, the Oh sarah is such a jerk... and this and that... , i have true and honest frineds that are really there for me when i need a hand, that are in the same classes and have heard it all. now i know i cant or shouldnt trust every word of it, because yes its probably been slightly skewed.. but today i heard one of the girls on i was espicially close to tell one of my guy friends that i was mean and awful... and that hurt.. i was right there right behind you. thanks neiborhood friend. also to the girl who i used to admire for her trustworthness, and her ability to make me laugh no matter what, the girl i was so close to that one summer before freshman year or was it eighth. what ever, thanks for being i guess the word is turthful, on your thoughts about me. atleast i know how you feel and that i can never be around you without feeling insanely uncomfortable around you. infact thats it ... all four of the girls.. i dont think i can ever feel the same about any of you... i belive id still stand up for you, because i did that just today. im sorry for losing you all. it was nice i guess, but what you did has made me feel that this was it, the last straw... it will never be the same between any of us. .. and to the girl i called my best friend for so long... dont ever ask me to choose between you or my boyfriend because thank god i have him he is my best friend and he is there for me no matter what seriously. .. so dont ask me to choose because you will always loose.
goodbye girls.
sarah

wow, today was amazing. or atleast the boys track meet. i saw rick and nathan and dan and chris and joe compeet.. i think joe got 7'6"... chirs 8"... dan 8"...rick 9"... and nathan 12" crap thats high. wow, congratulations guys.. though you will never read this lol, what ever. this is now just for me, to put down everything with out anyone looking, of course some one may stumble upon it... but yeah it was soo cool. im glad i got to watch it. i dont really feel like typing anything else tonight. so i think im going to go to bed. good night.
always-
sarah

hey, glad to say.. today was a good day. yeah, cant think of much that really brought it down.. i mean other than the usual. school.lack of sleep.dumb so called friends.weight.mother.bloodsuggar. other than that my day was fantastic. i felt pretty good the whole time. im glad. anyway... yeah but i am still worried about my eye.. i still cant see out of the center.. its like a grey spot that wont go away that covers everything so i cant see whats in it.. im scared. but then today when i was driving.. it started to become like pixleized... like little black squares. weird huh. im scared, i guess thats life though, just another curve ball right.
last night when rick was over, he told me i was a really negative person. and i know i am.. but i didnt quite relize just how much. i guess quite alot. im very negative. eh, id like to work on that. that would be a good thing to work on right? yeah. i think so...

be more positive.

hey, feeling bery lost.. i wish i could say why.. actually i can.. i think i have been hanging around with only rick too often. i need to find my old friends. i miss them and i miss summer. i want my life back, can you help me?
i am so disconnected these days, i love rick to death, but i cant go on like this forever. i want to spend every moment of my time with the boy, but i find myself needing some time with the whole gang. i miss them all. i also find myself missing my old gang. chis, vashti, nathan, sarah, are there others> yes, even nosek. i pass him in the halls sometimes, and wonder... gtg.. he is here till later byes

what is a hero really?
a hero, somthing we creat in our minds,
in a time of need... somthing we make up...
so that maybe we can belive.
someone to lean our heads on...
someone, to catch us when we fall.
but are they really heros at all?
no.
just buddys
... fallen.. friends.
because heros never die.
its them in the photograph...
showing though the silver salts.
memories, to tack on a wall..
they are our brothers
because heros never fall.
so do they exist?
are they really real at all?
no, they are just
our friends,
our neibors,
our brothers..
because heros never fall.

wow its been a while, how is everyone... i dont feel like i know anyone anymore.. i think tonight, i wont go into life.. because i prefer not to dig deap, into what seems like a bottom-less black hole.
well yeah, so school is almost out, and then summmmmmer! wow im so exited it will be so much fun. what is everyone going to be doing?

i know know one goes here any more, but everyone have fun and enjoy the break!

byes always~
sarah

hello,

so i kinda got side tracked from this whole writing in places thing.. and so i guess ill write a little entry..

um so school started again, wich is ok i guess.. i just hate all the work it requires. um sports are starting, gymnastics season starts in like a week, im nervous for that, but very excited about it. that should be fun for when we get to see eachother again. umm.. oh i now have a job. its alot of fun, i work on the weekends at the napervill gymnastics center, i run birthday parties for little kids, tons of fun, and its pritty good pay i would say. what else... oh home comming happened...like a few weeks ago, that was alot of fun, everyone looked really pritty in their dresses, and guys in well what ever they were wearing. the pics were ok from what i saw. um.. what else is going on.. oh um im now teaching on suday mornings at my church aparently, so thats fun too. and oh i think im going to japan.. like sometime over spring break. that should be super cool if that actually does happen, i dont know for sure that it will yet though, my mom has a tendncy to say stuf that doesnt ever happen. so ill keep my fingers crossed. um.. for now im not driving, but pritty much everyone knows about that, so no need in telling. um, i really dont have anything interesting going on in my life right now, other than the usual gymnastics, and yea thats it. congradulations to vashti for her licens! thats awsome girly, have fun. um... i dont think i have anything else to write really , not anything worth the words any way. so i think im going to go off and do some home work,  i tend to have alot of that lately. so ill get going on that. hope everyone is doing well. talk to you all later posibly.

smile always,

sar~

hello. its been a while since i have been here.
and i have so much to say.. but i dont know how to put it.. so i dont think any of it will be put in here.. we will see.
so how is every one.. havent talked to alot of people in a while..eeep.
well um.. school will be starting too soon... like 20 days or well lessish...i refuse to count now. i dont want school.. just give me another like two months to putts around .. do nothing while doing everying.. and so i can finaly work some things out.. uuuuhhhhgggg. i also dont wanna go to school... well cuz every one will be driving... soon.. and i know this is shallow.. but i want to sooo bad and im so jellous and anoyed now.. but i brought it upon my self.. nothing i cant do now. gar some times life bites like no other..humph.
so yea umm...i just got back from maine last night .. that was amazing.. and i wish i could live there.. i wanna move .. kinda... like away from this mess i put upon my self.. it was amazing up there. i took so many picutres.. i really like photography. i dont know.
um.. here is where i want to put somthing.. but cant find the words to say it... without being irational.. over dramatic.. or what ever else people say. so i wont say it .. i guess. i dont know.
well yea so life is pritty good.. hope every one else is doing well.
i guess ill talk to you later.. sometime..
night.
sarah

You are a Folkie. Good for you.


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